This is an older story I wrote, but I wanted to move it to this blog so I could deleate my old one. If you haven't read it before, enjoy!
We loved each other once, you and I.
We knew each other as intimates. We lay tangled in each other’s limbs. I still remember the smell of you, the taste of you, the sweetness of your breath, and the saltiness of your skin. It was then that I noticed it. A small mark just below your neck. The sign of Bahamut. I knew then where you had to go and what you had to become.
I brought you to their temple. It was me who gave you away. They needed you, they had been looking for you. They would make you into one of them. You we no longer mine alone. You were no longer mine at all. You belonged to them, to Bahamut and I knew I was going to lose you.
I saw you only briefly after that. I saw you when you were still allowed out of the temple. I saw the piercings they gave you to mark you. The four studs on the bridge of your nose. You assured me it was only two pieces, that they were double ended and went through the skin were the bridge of your nose met the corner of your eyes. You assured me they did not hurt you. You assured me that you were happy.
I remember the day I came to visit you there. The day after the second trial. You were laying stretched, prone, on your front. A thin sheet covered your lower half. I remember seeing your wrists and ankles bound and stretched with chains. I remember seeing the deep incision on your back. I remember knowing that they cut you from the nape of your neck to the small of your back, cauterizing the wound as they went. I remember seeing the wound all swollen and red and you looking at me with no sadness or pain in your eyes. You only said, “I didn’t scream.” You were brave, braver than me. Baptized by fire and pain.
After that I was no longer allowed to see you. I knew you had taken your final trial. You were given the markings on the soles of your feet and the palms of your hands. I knew you never shouted out in pain. I felt the pain for you. I felt my own from missing you so badly.
I wonder now if you remember me. If you remember the love we shared, the passion. I wonder if you remember the pain. Do you still love me as I love you? Or do you only live to serve them? I gave you away to them. I caused the pain you felt. I caused my own. I wonder if you remember that it was me who did this to you. I wonder if you will ever forgive me.
I’m writing this now to remind you. To remind you of the boy you once knew. I‘m writing to remind you that I love you still. I’m writing to remind you…
We loved each other once, you and I.
Will we ever meet again? Will I ever get to embrace you as I have so many times before? Will you ever look upon me and smile?
I surely doubt I will ever see you again. I have found my own path now. It is a different path from yours and will probably be why we can never be together again. I just want to know that you are thinking of me from time to time as I will always be thinking of you. I will always love you. Even when you are gone from my sight. I will always remember you. My sweetness, my partner, my friend, my lover, the bravest women I have ever known, a Priestess of Bahamut, my love.
I am forever yours.
|Lately I've been feeling like I must have done something really wrong. I'm not sure any more if my life is getting better or worse.
I refused to give someone a ride somewhere and now everything about my car is falling apart. At the rate it's going, it should be completely out of commission in less than a month. At the same time, I know that I couldn't give the favor of the ride. Should karma really bite me in the ass for this? Or is this a blessing in disguise? Because of that situation, I may need to get another car or find another mode of transportation. I might have to start taking the bus which would be better for the environment. Unfortunately, taking the bus with my new job is out of the question, but a new car might be in my future. If I had a new car I wouldn't have to worry about driving it everywhere and may even save money on gas if it's smaller than the one I have now. Plus, not doing the favor made me capable of putting my foot down and saying, "No." In turn, this made me realize how miserable a friendship was making me. But is that issue causing karma to rear her ugly head?
I felt that I was doing something good for me. When a friend makes you miserable the majority of the time, is it really a friendship any more? However, this has also had its downside. I feel like I've pushed my roommate away because he's dating the friend I ended the friendship with. I understand that he has issues of his own, like not having the money to stay here, but now I have to find a new place to live because he's leaving. I'm not mad at him for having to go but I kind of feel like if there wasn't so much tension between me and his girlfriend, I wouldn't be looking for a new apartment. But this might be a good thing too. I've wanted my own place for a while now and this is my chance. Although I really don't want to move and I really don't want to downsize and I really really don't want to have to put half my stuff in storage.
This friendship ending thing has also had other effects on me. I feel like such a bad guy and I know that's how a lot of people view me right now. I miss this friend sometimes and I feel bad for having to hurt her, but I also feel that this has to be better for me. I need to stop feeling guilty for doing what I want and what I feel I need. No one ever takes into consideration why the bad guy does what the bad guy does. No one ever thinks that the bad guy was doing the "bad" thing for a "good" reason. And although I am no longer getting any work at my current job, I did just get a new one and I do love it a lot. This might be a better opportunity for me. And I still get my discount at the other job.
So in the long run a lot of things might be going really bad for me right now, but I'm trying to look at the silver lining. Hopefully everything will turn out in the end and this isn't a karma thing at all but just my life working itself out. The thing is, I don't think I would have made any different decisions either way.
Thankyou for letting me vent. |I was asked to write a list of the things I am grateful for in an online group that I joined. In order to write this list , I feel I first need to explain it. I've had a rough week and have been really feeling down about my life situation and myself as of late. I recently graduated from university and am having a really hard time finding a job in my field. Instead I'm working part-time in retail which makes me feel overworked, tired, useless, and all around unimportant. My best friend is moving away to
And most of all,
I'm grateful for Tristan. Without out him I would be mess. He keeps me sane, he keeps me happy, and he keeps me whole.
I know that my life may not be perfect and I may not be where I wanted to be at this point in it, but I'm grateful for each breath in it.
